How dumb is Anna Nicole Really?

Not very. And not just because I have spent this whole week working on my hustle by day and acting like a sycophantic ultimate fan contestant by night. These things do not necessarily go together as any relatively unknown but highly ambitious e-junkie and art whore will tell you. It can be eviscerating to go out and see the superstars when your unpublished work of genius gathers dust on your agent's to do later pile, or while your fabulous acting chops go untested in the real world. It can kill ya to hang with Anna Nicole, but my spa day zenned me out enough to do it. And she was charming by the way.

If you show up for stuff, L.A. can be like a fantasy football type of tour of Universal Studios minus the funnel cakes. I got in on Friday after a short semi arduous flamenco dancing audition at Lincoln Center with Broadway luminaries Graciela Daniele and Michael John La Chiusa who are super hot talented creators of the last vestige of hope for the Great American Musical. And I did stomp and clap with the likes of Julia Murney thinking what the frick am I doing here???? Is this a good idea?

Got off a plane 6 hours later and into the car to drive to Palm Springs for a much needed one night spa extravaganza and show with my BFF Debbie. After the orange blossom detox scrub and massage we look at each other and are like "Holy Shit I feel totally different". And I did. And I do.

Drove back to L.A. where my friend and journo Caroline Ryder is brandishing 2 ticks to Wedrock and Avalon, the fundraiser for gay marriage lobbyists Freedom to Wed. We have press passes but somehow get mistaken for part of Kelly Osborne's entourage and end up with the pink celeb all access bracelets which we nonchalantly accept without a word proceeding to the photo sess where we run into the always efervescent Alan Cumming, and my old Juilliard pal Louis Schwadron, rock n roll french horn player (who will later tryst with Caroline and thus end her first lez phase). Also there are Bitch, whom I run into every time John Cameron Mitchell throws a do in New York, her GF Daniela C of the L-Word, Margaret Cho looking very fly in a women's health center hoodie with vagina embroidery, and whom I adore but always say something stupid to ( I think it is my destiny to act retarded around Koreans). Also there is Doogie Howser/ Neil Patrick Harris whose potential gayness Caro quizzes me on--who cares is my answer--ditto Pink who is up in balcony, and Andy Bell who sings his ass off and deserves his rock / electro god status. Nina Hagen brings everyone to their knees with a screaming basso goth punk rendition of Ave Maria and Kelly O does a very sweet yay for gay marriage and whoop whoop fuck the establishment speech.

We cap the night in the Spider lounge with Eliza Rose the fierce aerialist from Brooklyn whose show Toledo is cranking modern punk cabaret in Santa Monica on Sundays and she obliges all with a little pole dance. Caroline and Louis bewilder everyone by leaving in her car, which by default leaves me with Louis' L.A. producer slick in a t-shirt friend who drags me over to a club with "Playmates" who are totally played out, and all need boob jobs if that really is their chosen profession.

The next night is bitchy bingo at Hambuger Mary's which Lisa Ann is calling ("69 good time!") and which Anna Nicole Smith attends with all her gorgeousness and sweetness. Not as dumb as she looks on T.V. And I am not just saying that because I wish I was a blonde with big boobs . Drunky Mc Drunk? Yes. Inarticulate, no. Also she gives photo opps to about a zillion people in the bar and dances tango with her Arthur Murray instructor Anthony of Houston who is cute as hell. She looks good in every single one of those candid pics (damnnnnnnn you anna nicole!) and even though i look like i have eaten 2 pounds of MSG and am retaining so much water you could pierce me to create a live feng shui face fountain, i dont give a shit because my inner fag is screaming "This is Anna Nicole Smith!!! This is Anna Nicole" and I am in celebrity fucker, pop culture vulture heavennnnnnn. God that hat was supposed to look cool. I swear at some moment it did. Plus her entourage is very cool and gay and part canadian so all in all it is the perfect night of fag hagging/ acting out my inner gayguy. Everybody is always hating on Anna Nicole. Oh my god DBJ. She has recognized her talent. Looking good in photos and dancing like a stripper. What is the problem people? Do you want to see your high school gym teacher do that? Do you want me to do that? No I think not. The nation must be protected from the inappropriate old lady pole dancing for fitness classes and the sad studio photo with rose and piano in the vestibule after kids leave for college. Anna is keeping America safe by fulfilling her destiny. To get wasted in a fag bar and dance the night away posing for pics with the less pretty and enjoying her aesthetically gifted flow. I salute Anna Nicole for her general good mood and acceptance of her duty to go out and look pretty and get trashed without resenting the less cute who want to get a photo of themselves making out with her in a booth for a second.