Lucy Lawless is no Kylie Minogue (thank god.)

So I go to see my friend Michele Balan do her act at Girl Bar's Friday night comedy and cocktails thingy and wouldncha know it 2 comics don't even show up so like one of those slow motion things in the movie where everyone first looks sideways and then slowly turn their heads together, guess who gets asked to fill in last minute with gynocentric comedy that is inclusive yet true to the pansexual bon vivant I endeavour to be? Yup. I get up on stage in my silver leather jacket and culottes, now completely self conscious about my relative lack of makeup--why do i do this??? Why do I think- no one will see, no one will care, especially lesbians! And then always end up in a situation where just a little more attention to shading and color would have helped immensely. Who do I think I am in my neutral lipgloss when shit like this always happens? (please refer to my candid shot with Anna Nicole where I look like a fuckin benched softball player, or as my mom would say shrilly "A chinese cabbage you look like a cabbage!" I wonder why chinese cabbage and not polish or midwestern...anyways.)

Just so happens that this is Girl Bar's 15th anniversary and the very lovely and fabulous couple of Sandy and Robin who own the joint have thrown a doozy of a party. The far too sexy to be allowed to wander into places sans entourage Jenny Shimizu walks in way after the comedy, and I step to her because I love where she goes "I am a power lesbian of looooovvve" on the LOGO promo that runs every fifteen seconds when I am worshipping at the late night temple of Graham Norton. And I also love the gay marriage show on there it makes me cry and cry. Which isnt suprising given my own parents' "gay marriage" (bomb dropped let's move on.)

So anyway I have no business posting a picture of myself with la supermodel looking this aesthetically inept (rouge anyone? eye shadow? an angle or something????Look how me and robin are crowding in on js's perfect complexion- it is shameful.) But this is the kulturefuk blog so fuk it. There will be far sadder ones I am sure. Plus I have to say when L.A. people are actually cool and delightful to hang out with you gotta appreciate.

Lucy Lawless comes on the stage -- and everyone on the dancefloor comes in their cargos -- she is blonde now and quite fiercely attired in gold shimmery wife beater and jeans. I would like to say that she brandished the mic like a pro on herversions of "Sisters Are Doing it for themselves" and an original song about sucking the industry's dick called "On my Knees." (would I lie?)
I would like to say that she sounded awesome, but instead I will show you a pic.

Why oh why, why oh why is this sort of thing necessary? Why struggle? I suppose former soap star turned gay dance icon Kylie Minogue serves as inspiration for hotties like Lucy. But seriously. David Hasselhoff made this sort of thing fun, once. And only in France and Germany where they are used to being screamed at by drunk ass punk rock and metal bands with lead singers that look like they sleep in a can of coffee grounds. And Kylie has to act like and dress like a slut every waking minute to justify radio presence. Lucy is way too cool and of intense presence to get away with shaking her ass to sell candy pop. And she was singing a kind of 80s taylor dane rock with no taylor and no dane. sigh. "But Can They Sing?" um, no. Your whole show is redundant. And scary. And a reminder that charity events are supposed to relieve suffering not cause it.

Of course I salute Lucy for having the balls to get up and sing when she is clearly more of a weapon brandishing straight girl turned lesbian icon in leather gauntlets. And I salute all the Bai Lings and Morgan Fairchilds for putting their ahem, reputations, on the line to belt out a few bars. But this is only because I am a celebrity whore and want my fantasy family to be happy. In the real world we don't applaud when someone does something badly, but with heart. Except william hung. And Condaleeza. And tyra banks, hostess/improv actor. Ok maybe we do. But seriously we gotta raise the bar. And demand that our celebs do like everyone else and find shit they are good at, then stick to it. I am all for the stretching of actors and the murder of typecasting. This mini concert was an argument for typecasting and that is why amateurish outings like this must be stopped. For the advancement of human kind. And so that when someone who actually can multi-perform, like latifah, or jamie foxx or I dunno, ME, nobody is scared off by memories of Xena singing a blowjob song in a lesbian bar. This is why Anna Nicole (see previous post) is a beacon of hope. And why Lucy L. needs to a) get more training before she inflicts scary karaoke on us again or b) embrace her genius for ululating and acting ambiguously gay and fuckin give us more of that.