Food at rich white people conferences is worth lying for

After my weekend of burlesque viewing and late night peppermint schnapps parties with trannies, I went to the Four Seasons resort to attend the 5 course banquet for the Amex luxury summit in full "Brand Consultant to the Entertainment Industry" drag. You know, that is actually what I do. I actually do product placement, branding, ad writing, image making and generate tons of images and copies centered either around shows or pitches. So you know, I wasnt exactly LYING. Not exactly. I mean I did have a room key. And a pair of prada shoes. And I once had an actual job that paid money. So you know fuck off rich people hand over the silver ware and the filet mignon. God don't like selfish expense account holders. Pay it forward. Whack a mole. Gimme some etc etc.

Unfortunately I sat awkwardly this time at the banquet table without a nametag, trying to explain myself to the hoteliers and the luxury brand marketers and CEO's of wall street venture capital firms. I had a sip of chardonnay, "yes I think the philanthropy co-branding of a product is an important trend" pinot noir "international sales in Asia are actually looking for american cultural product and vice versa", cabernet "a year overseas broadens the mind" , and then coffee and diet coke "chef driven restaurants are the way to go in LA". It was a little tiny bit dicey since one of the sponsor execs you know who organized the entire conference was actually at our table, eyeballing me. Over and over like pepe le pew and the girl skunk, but less amorously. No I was not on the golf course nor did I attend the philanthropy and luxury consumer workshops. I did however sit by the pool cabanas and drink a smoothie with a lot of precision and skill. The 5 courses were pretty fuckin good though, and like anytime I am grifting I do math (coz I am asian !) and I think i ingested a good 2-3 hundred bucks of tres chic food and drink and gift bag stuff in one day. All for 10 bucks in gas and parking.

Party Crash Tip #33: Do something boring to show solidarity with the actual attendees. If you are going to crash rich people conferences, my retrospective advice is to go do at least one tedious activity, like attend a seminar or do 6am yoga because then you will automatically bond with attendees over said tedium. Merely floating in the pool and showing up at the 5 course meal makes you seem, I dunno more suspiciously poor. Although, everyone there was wayyy too polite to say anything really. White people are afraid of confrontation, especially if you look confident and calm.

Party Crash tip #32 Show up late for buffets. It is also a good idea to waltz into buffet situations on the late side, after the prelim check ins, and leave before dessert. Less likely to get stopped by toolbag holding a clip board.

I do recommend crashing one such event at least once in your life. The food and wine are excellent and not paying makes it easier to critique the flavors the chef puts on the plate because you are not doing math at the same time. Also it is good to learn how people think you think within these little corporate cultures.