FREE TIX TO THE KNICKS means I eat cotton candy

The funny thing is when I asked all my friends hey guys anyone want free tickets to the Knicks opening night at Madison Square Garden I was met with blank stares. Is that SPORTS? said cabaret chanteuse and international avant garde diva Meow Meow....A mix of horror and incredulousness crossing her brow as she wondered WHY i would even have such a thing as tickets to a sports arena. Extraordinarily busy composer cum Music Director for "Messiah Rocks" (which we are still taunting him about gently), Lance goes "Is that basketball?" And Michael who is recognized now ANYWHERE he goes because of teh Emmys and the notoriously badassed characters he plays was like ummmmmmmm, Is it like a long sporting event.  You would think I was speaking swahili to missionaries inviting them to a tongue clucking choir rehearsal or some carving of the ox ceremony. Bemused, mildly interested that I, one of their kind, might even suggest such a thing.  I explained myself "Ok look its FREE. I have a hookup at the Garden and think of the spectacle! we can watch normal people watching sports it will be like looking at exotic fish in an aquarium". The point is, kulturefukkers, we really don't understand nor have patience for nor get into the whole sports "thing" other than as odd tourists gaping at both teams equally and examining the relationship of their outfits to the arena music to the dancing girls at half time.  I never know who to vote barrack cheer for because I dont give a crap and whomever is looking more athletic like is who i am likely to scream for. Randomly. Like a halfwit with an armful of pink cotton candy, a diet coke and fistfuls of popcorn a flyin out of my mouth as i scream DEFENSE DEFENSE looking nervously around to make sure that is what the hoi poloi are saying. These are hundred dollar tickets peeps.  I went, I saw, I cheered the wrong team and got sugar shock and bought a cat in the hat type of hat. I got the Juilliard violin virtuoso slash rock n roll electric violinist who has played symphonies and then changed shoes and played for Jay Z to come along.  It was fascinating.  And we also bought t shirts.  To wear like normal people.

Party Crash Tip Number 45: If tickets are FREE to something you are not into, say a sports thingy bring the least likely person you can find to said thingy and enjoy the tourist like quality the thingy takes on. Buy a shirt or hat to prove you were there and use it as a couture accessory.