In Hollywood Stars Throw tributes to themselves

First of all it's been awhile. Twitter and Facebook and websites and oh my GOD who the hell has time to blog properly or document all their stuff. People who aren't out there busy doing it mostly. Observers. Or bored people. Or people who don't sleep? hats off to those who can properly journal online AND do interesting things. I twitter play by plays of parties and adventures here KATE'S TWITTER FEED . But long form is way better.

Ok so the meat of this thing is that I went to another Hollywood soiree last night and it was a doozy. Let me early interject this: I am jealous of everyone who was there for having fabulous mansions and children with names like Milo and Cooper and Homer and Dakota and Harry which translate as "My parents are cool and edgy and hip" at the bake sales and after school fundraisers.  I am jealous of them for getting free shit all the time from new brands and for having the luxury of actually practicing the arts which we all love without feeling the shame of financial cliff hanging and choruses of moronic disapproval from zoftig casting assistants with bizarre brunette  blunt cuts, square black glasses and puffy cheeks who wear scarves and too many rings. I will freely admit I am jealous but that doesnt mean that a room full of famous people congratulating each other for being famous isn't ridiculous.

When Michele and I get to the party which is Camryn Manheim's birthday "Wake Up I'm 50" party there is an army of aforementioned Bettys in their blunt cuts and mismatched formal blacks holding clip boards at the door to this women's center in Santa Monica that looks like a hall for a Bartmitzvah. Only later does the party planner acumen reveal itself when we move from the main ballroom crowded with round tables with fruit centerpieces and a giant carved ice vodka bar to the upstairs where a charity casino is set up for guests.  But on first arrival we are rudely rebuffed at the door, my name as well as my fake name that Michele literally mentions to me as we climb the short stack of marble stairs "You are STACY somethingsomething" she croaks as one of the blunt cuts swoops.  Not on the list either. I go, um yeah hi this is Michele Balan, she is the comedian who is invited AND entertaining Camryn on the stage tonight so uhm whaddya gonna do. Betty Blunt cut says Well SHE (michele) can stay but we can't let anyone in I am sure you understand the list is very tight bla bla bla. I roll my smoky eyeshadow and shift on my Prada Boots and say MIchele where's the chick who booked you. We sort it out. I swish in under the glare of a blonde one whose black button down barely covers the muffin top. I have had the decency to wear two layers of spanx tonight which means although I will not be peeing for 7 hours I at least look Smooth.

Inside the first person we see is Kathy Najimy who acts really weird. She is nice-ISH to Michele and they sort of remember how they know each other or not, her eyes start glazing when michele introduces me, I joke  "We are friends on facebook" and she doesnt laugh. Then clears her throat and kind of wanders away without saying much more. Note to self un-friend Najimy. (Later in the night she accosts Alan Cumming and says "Why oh Why are you so MAD at me?" which has alan gesticulating over her shoulder at me doing the crazy finger next to temple twirl and mouthing "I dont know what's happening". I uncomfortably perch at a high bar table and consider my first glass of Syrah. Michele asks if I wanna do the red carpet which only gets a guffaw from me. I look great in my vintage Dolce muu muu but everyone can bite me.

Michele goes out finds Camryn and they do some pitctures while I sip and consider the room. A banquet hall, large buffet, and an auditorium stage that has been semi set up like a court slash comedy central roast with a big red velvet throne stage left and a drop down screen that reads something pithy about it being Queen Camryn's Court of 50-ness or something.  There are chinese lanterns hanging way way way up high left over from someones barbat mitzvah and the pre-party pre-show music is 80s hair metal which calms me down. I tweet. I think about being happy to be there.

Teri Hatcher is flitting around in a knit mini skirt and matching tube top which shows off her large fake tits and too small thighs. Jennifer Love Hewitt has a look on her face like she is repeating the word "luminoussss luminoussss" in her mind over and over as she cocks her head and flashes her eyes at no one.  Michele and I try to sit at a table close enough to the stage but far enough away not to invade and immediately get kicked off by a chattering blonde pulled tight into a pink party dress who claims This is Reserved for the MOM SQUAD and points at a sharpie pencilled napkin that says reserved.  So we go one over.  Place is pretty empty still so we decide to buffet it up. Prime rib vegetables shrimp cocktail and meatballs. nice.

As we eat two gay guys who looked strained and entitled amble over with an old lady in a furn coat. Real old. walker and dentures and old school jewellery on a manicured arthritic hand.  This is Evelyn she's the surrogate Grandmother. I dont know WTF they are talking about because I am the plus one at this party, but I say oh the Blood Relative table is over there and they say no there are not enuf seats can she sit here and I obviously am not gonna be the one who says no to grandma surrogate or not. Nor refuse to talk to her. Evelyn is 94, her last boyfriend died 4 days before he 80th birthday. He was an artist she tells me. Carved peoples names into tomb stones. And he owned his own quarry. They met at B'nai Brith 5 years after she was widowed form the first husband who went to dental school but never practiced. She makes a great lemon meringue pie and brisket. The peaks on her meringue are legendary. The videos for this party were shot in her guest house. Camryn's web designer lives in her guest house. Her duaghter is 61 and dances and used to have a theater in burbank where she produced musicals. Evelyn loves the Good Wife on TV which is right when Alan came in and sat at our table and she said He's my new boyfriend.  This is what you learn where you go to a party and don't know anyone. The ones who came alone or need a yarn will talk to you. Good thing I am also a writer.

True Blooders Bill and Sookie lurked by the bar waiting for people to recognize them. Im sure it worked out for them but I was sitting house left so I didnt see. Sheri O teri bounced about and was realllllllly happy to see kathy najimy and ricki lake who was inexplicably dressed like Liza Minelli in a balck chiffon mumuu thing and a fedora. She had 6 non famous but well groomed gays with her, two of whom i poached for the night.

There was a point where all the arriving guests and man there were a lot of famous ones, all were standing around the room, getting up and down swooshing over and craning necks for hugs and waves and it seemed like everyone was congratulating each other for being famous.

The show was 3 hours. Tributes speeches funny dances comedy videos a story read entirely in latin by the nerdy smart brother a song by Milo to his mom Caroline Rhea hosting it like a friars roast slash telethon. Michele killed. Thank god. Jason Alexander was laughing hard during her pussy combover bit and Debra Messing was slapping her handsome husbands leg.

I am now so bored with this account I cant really go on so lemme skip to the end. After the show we ambled upstairs to the casino room. The dealers were soft to the point of cheating in our favor and teaching us to play the game. I got on a blackjack roll with Messing and we bonded over high fiving each other on double downs and playing skee ball style for little tickets that redeemed for swag. On the last hand I bet it all then gave my winnings to my famous new friend who agreed to redeem while smiling pretty and being gracious so we could get double the prizes and it TOTALLY worked. I missed out on the engraved juice squeezer from Patron but did pick up some random jewellery a leather day planner some tea and lemon sachets and a plaid shirt. Which is pretty standard swag and very very good for a birthday party! I didnt feel included or excluded nor did I feel like more or less of an actor.

It was a party and for once I just partied.

Party Crash Tip #976 Stand next to the most famous person you can during the conferring of swag lootbags or gift bags. Nobody wants to look like an ungenerous nudge in front of Debra Messing.