THE PORN AWARDS

As Ocscar time approaches I remember the last time I was at a red carpet event which was the 2005 AVN awards in Vegas last year. Lance and I sat at a table with guys from Sex Z pictures and some people from hustler. Our pal and porn director Skye Blue had invited us to come to the convention and see the ceremonies hosted by great comic Thea Vidale. It was a long ass ceremony man, LONGGGG. There were awards for fuckin everything. No pun intended. There was an award for best oral (which Voodoo won and I am licking in the pic) best 3 some, best girlon girl best actor (!) best actress (!!) etc. Then the boring ones like best DVD menus, best cover art, best logos etc etc. Everyone looked hot everyone looked legit--i unfortunately did not go to the pornstar melees afterward (yes I can hear you kulturefuk fans saying what the hell is WRONGGGGG with you why did you even go to the awards if you skip the porno orgies.) Somehow after hearing that much dirty talk all night, all I wanted to do was go home and read a nice book. Lame. Funny that most of the big time porn stars I met last year while living in viagra valley (Tera Patrick, Jenna Jameson, Nicole Sheridan) were similarly into very very conserative lifestyles at home. Maybe they already partied hardy (obviously) Maybe going home to a white picket fence makes it ok to do gang bangs with ron jeremy. I dunno. Why am I even telling you this? Here are some pics this is lance with chichi larue and skye blue in the background. Then there is one of me and lance trying not to stare at skye's ginormous boobage. Just for fun up there is a shot of jenna jameson doing a porn kiss with the lovely Gina Lynn demonstrating the tongue play that subs for french kissing in porno films which brings me to a little friendly advice for you hornsters:
Reasons why not to date a porn star:
1. They do it as if there is a camera there the whole time, sideways looking over their shoulder in your taint, wherever the best angle is
2. Ditto the weird tongue kissing where lips never touch
3. They can't pass--in church everone notices the clear heels
4. You cant be inventive at home coz the only thing they havent tried in bed is reading a book


Reasons why it's great to date a pornstar
1. They always know where to get a pool boy the plumber on short notice
2. If you are drowning they come with their own inflatable devices
3. They are attracted to very average looking guys so if you are one you got a shot
4. Except every orgasm is fake. Which is good if you are a guy who doesnt care.
5. Everyone will think you are a rockstar/rapper/millionaire

more to come this is just off the top of my head. get it? head.

Party Crash Tip #9: If you are crashing a party filled with people who really want to be legit stars (such as porn stars) act like they are the biggest stars in the world.The goal of any good event crash or party crash is to stay for the swag and the free food and sometimes the performances. So making friends instantly is key. And making non stars feel like stars with intelligent adulation is key. No lame fawning (then you are a fan and they exercise their faux celebrity by flexing the condescending muscle. Which is super humiliating if you are on the receiving end of that from someone named Candii with two i's.) Speak with big words about what you like about their artistry. (this also works btw for picking up bimbos, male or female if you are so inclined.)