Crashing Bishop Tutu's party makes me donate my last c-note

I wonder if I keep outing myself as the ultimate party crasher if I'm gonna start getting cock blocked at the velvet rope. Gives a scammer pause that's for sure. I'm hoping kulturefuk will fly under the radar for another year or so, so i can continue to chronicle the pursuit of free shit, and the infiltration of tony snobby exclusive parties for all of you who dream that one day you will have a use for that armani suit in tasteful earth tones that can fit in anywhere.

Party Crashing Tip #34. Do not wear outlandish colors to any event you are not actually invited to. Standing out is a total buzz kill. Especially if you dont know what the host or organizers look like you are an instant sitting duck if you draw the eye. Wear a subdued extremely expensive looking outfit. Do not wear anything with swirls or chartreuse or orange or pink unless part of your gambit is to see how long it takes to get kicked out. A tasteful conservative sexy look without, again, standing out too much is your meal ticket. If you look TOO HOT you will again get too much attention which is danger. This is not your moment to be the belle of the ball. This is your moment to pick up a drink like you've been there for hours, make a friend instantly who can make you look like you belong and entrench yourself in the party so that when you do get the raised eyebrow it's too late coz everyone feels like you belong there. See photo of Rachel and I in appropriate party crash attire with random dude who looks like a film maker

So when my hookup said -- "Come to a luncheon for Bishop Tutu which Elizabeth Taylor will attend," I donned a black dress with tiny dots, low heels and a coat and made Rachel do the same, and we pulled up to the valet in Pasadena all business. We breezed past the check in desk with some story about working for the charity, then immediately found some blank nametags, everyone had them, and quickly filled in our names.
Party Crash tip #35: Always bring a black blue and red pen for such occasions.
Long story short No Tutu. No Taylor. Rainn Wilson of The Office hosted the auction (with much less aplomb then La Stone in the previous blog) and there was a band and catering which wasn't too outlandish (good thing too since it was a charity event for an outreach to Africa organization called GAIA). Chuck of Chuck and BUck, or was it Buck, hmmm the weird one ok? That guy was there and then a lot of doctors and the guy who invented something which i cant remember right now, I think some kind of med thing like aspirin. Or the defibrillator. There were no gift bags and I actually donated a hundred bucks to the thing which is not supposed to happen on a free party crash situation. But kids need school. And Africa needs help. And I can't always expect Sharon Stone to take her shoes off and make a difference. You know? This pic is us in appropriate attire in an inappropriate photo op in mansion bathroom

Sharon Stone can sell me the Brooklyn Bridge

One of the events I was ushered into last month was the L.A. women's night awards which the LGBT center puts on. Michele Balan (In pic with me and Jane Lynch of all the gay movies and the L word) had extra tickets to the dinner and gala and I am never one to turn down a 300 ticket to any red carpet event if there are going to be gift bags involved. Or a Linda Perry sighting. And this had both. We bulshitted on the red carpet and I made some spanish girl laugh as media maker and very very popular lesbian Fitz interviewed us for her I dunno what, and then inside saw the LA's finest in dresses and formal khakis, bierkenstocks and Shane from the L word get ups. The dinner was an awards ceremony and as Linda Perry who I find so freaking talented it makes my eyes get dry and itchy if I think of how lame I am compared to her, was gonna get one and sing. She ROCKED it. We were at the table with Poppi Champlain of Girl Bar who sang voulez vous douchez avec moi at the Dinah with me and Sandra Valls earlier this year, and when Westenhofer got up to start the auction in her all white getup (Michele said she looked like a tampon-she kinda did) not much was crackin. So Sharon Stone who was an award recipient for the work she has done with Amfar, after one limp wristed kinda bidding session thaat yielded like 2000 for a cruise on Olivia or some shit, Sharon fricking Stone jumps up from her gala table (she has a lot of lesbians working for her--maybe she likes the attention, maybe she likes the dyke drama maybe she likes herbal tea and wallet chains) anyways, she jumps up, reaches a well pilades'ed arm up towards the heavens GRABS the mic out of westenhofers hand and proceeds to take over the entire auction. She barks "this is pathetic even for lesbians! Do you or do you NOT want equal rights, marriage, and the same freedoms that straight people enjoy. Do you really want me, who ordained myself as a minister just so I could marry my gay friends to each other, to be your only option. Do you want my kids to see your unions as viable and real lawful affirmations of love? or what!!!???" And then she proceeds to literally yank the dollars out of peoples wallets with an intense auction of all the remaining items, one of which she pulled 20k for, the other 10k.

Lisa Ann tells me that she once saw Stone rip the shoes off her own feet at a private auction and say "there are only 3 pairs of these in the world. the bidding starts at 10 thousand dollars" Now I got a lotta gay friends who HATE when lgbt orgs give awards to the straight pretty people. But as a half time straight pretty person and full time queer culture vulture, I have to say lighten the fuck up. SHe is a gay icon, she raises hundreds of thousands of dollars and puts her time to making all of our lives better. I hear she is a handful at home. So fucking what. The bitch can call an auction. And she became a minister and she shows up to events. She ain't the problem. She is not taking nothing from nobody. She's trying to live a good life. We are all in this together. And any ism and obia hurts everyone. I agree that lgbt orgs need to be a little less uncle tom-y and sentimental about the straight pretty people who take up the cause. But stone made me think about making more money so I could give more away. To anyone who needs it. As long as I get a gift bag at the end of the night. (I gave mine away by the way, so there!)

Phyllis Diller Art Party part 2 w/Scott Thompson and Lisa Ann

So I went BACK to phyllis Diller's house this week because a)her assistant Karla is my friend and it is fun to see her and b) who wouldnt. I was picking up a piece of artwork I bought for my friend Lea De Laria who is gonna shit a brick when she sees it--dedicated to her and all. I brought Michele Balan (who ironically is in a jets and sharks feud with Lea and I stay out of that shit because mean old dykes need to leave their cute perky token asian friend out of the hate!! No haters!) Anyhoo, This time, Ms Diller was all dressed in yellow head to toe like a delightful canary in giant round yellow sunglasses and a bucket hat and yellow beads over her yellow shirt (note to self extreme color coordination looks like an OUTFIT in all caps). She told us tons of jokes. Like: An irishman is leaving a bar and.....It could happen! She also said pussy and fuck A LOT. So did I. What will happen when i turn 91 what words will i use the most? Sphincter and enema maybe. Or collaratura. I like that word. We drank pink champagne, apparently the same brand that Debbie Reynolds likes, -- Diller told us that DR carries her own bottle of Zinfandel around, the non fizzy kind, coz she likes nothing else and I drank my whole glass which is imprudent coz I am asian, I dont usually drink and I was driving. But excuse me if La Diller is in the champers then so am I honey. We talked about burlesque and the new show I am pitching, and she said she liked Dancing With the Stars because there was a band and there was dancing. It sounded smarter and hipper when she said it. Then she showed us where c1 and c2 were broken form a night fall and then we looked at her amazing and glorious and beautiful walls of art. Michele took home two pictures. Seriously, Phil Dil's art muscles are STRONG right now she is PROLIFIC. I am unfortunately going to miss her art party on may 18th, legendary especially amongst fags because she hosts a viewing, people buy, get photos and signatures and tour the house. Gorgeous.

Party Crash tip #71: Be nice nice nice to personal assistants. In fact be friends with them because they are unsung heroes in the entertainment industry. Be generous with hookups and reciprocate invitations. Then you too can get invited to art parties at mansions

Party Crash tip #70: Show up with your own celebrities. No one will care how much champagne you consume or how awkward you are if you're the one with the notables on your arm. Although i sometimes don't like this one. You become visible without actually being seen. Sometimes better to slide on in alone, or with fabulous nobodies. Then you don't have to explain why you are colleagues with actual famous people who will pity you in that moment even though you are the ring leader.

Party Crash Tip #69: Buy some art. Or donate to the cause the party holder is passionate about. You become and instant colleague.


This is the 3rd time I've been and the longest we spent one on one chatting. The first time I think she actually spoke to me one on one, and man, we had that perfect kind of formal, lovely visit. Michele said it was the highlight of her trip to L.A. and I kinda believe it because we just chilled. SOme fun Diller facts. Dont hug her. She dont like it. She started comedy career at 37. Her kitchen is all red with a checkered floor. Everything even the fridge is red. There is a big ass portrait of Bob Hope in the living room. She laughs super duper loud. She has a room full of wigs and boas. She loves to cook. There is a bluebird bathroom in the front.